My Momentary Anthem

I have been a worship leader at my church now for almost two years.  Through my many days and nights of trying to find the songs that best fit the service I find myself being drawn to certain songs because of their words, feeling, or even just the ideas that it presents to my heart. 

Recently we've sang the song "God of This City" in worship a lot.  I have said that I feel that that song is the anthem for North Lake Church, what we're about, and what we believe.  We believe that "You're the God of this city, You're the King of these people, You're the Lord of this Nation.  You are."  What greater phrase describes exactly what God is to us?  

While being on this journey of finding myself and where I stand as a worship leader I find that there are many days where I go to worship service and I am just not feeling it.  I don't feel like singing, I don't feel like praising, I just don't think I can make it through a song set.  You see, leading worship for me is exhausting.  NOT IN A BAD WAY!!  

I'll explain.  I put my whole self into worship.  I feel that when leading worship that my job is to lead others to the throne of God and show them His face through songs and let them just bask in all that glory.  But I put my whole self into it.  It's like when Moses wanted to see God, God wouldn't even allow him to see His face because he would have been struck dead.  He was only allowed to see His back as He walked away and even then when Moses went down to the Israelites his face was shining so bright from being in God's presence that Moses had to cover his face!!  It's that sort of absolute exhaustion that I feel, and I love every moment.

The Flyleaf song "All Around Me" is my anthem most of the time during worship.  I get it.  In those moments of worship "I'm alive....So I cry, the light is white." I encourage you to click the link and listen to the words and the song. It's beautiful.  

Other times, and more often lately, my anthem is Sanctus Real's "I'm Not Alright."  I think that in always having enough I have taken for granted that I have been taken care of.  In being brought up in church I have felt the need to constantly say, "God will provide. I have faith." But I haven't ever had to put the belief behind it.  It's dogma, it's repetitive speech.  As a worship leader I have felt the pressure to always answer the question, "How are you doing?" with "I'm alright."  I should be alright.  I want to be alright.  The first line of that song says, "If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of, then cool is just how far we have to fall.  I AM NOT IMMUNE.  I only want to be loved.  But I feel safe behind the firewall."  For the first time last night and tonight I have not been able to lie.  My husband says it's a good thing, but it is so awful to admit to myself that I've been lying.  

Here's the truth.  I'm not alright.....I'm broken inside and out.  Being able to say that in a group of people who I know love me deeply and not have those feelings changed is a HUGE relief.  The next lines of the song say, "Can I lose my need to impress? If you want the truth, I need to confess, I'm not alright."  I am truly not alright at this time.  I don't love God any less, I trust Him and I know that he will either heal me or be my strength to bear whatever my life hands me, I just haven't found that strength yet.  And you know?  It's alright to be broken.  It's alright to be honest and say you're not doing okay, you're hurt, you're angry, sad, depressed, addicted, in a dark place that no one would want to be....It's okay.

We are not expected to be alright.  If we were expected to be alright then there would have been no reason for Jesus.  If there was a way for me to be good enough, then I wouldn't NEED Him.  If there was a way...I'd have found it by now.  

In the song "I'm not alright" it starts out as a bursting scream of no longer being able to hold in the grueling, terrible truth.  But by the end it is a soft belief and relief that, "I'm not alright. That's why I need You....That's why I need You."

Bathed in Prayer

Last night was the first night of our annual cookout in Smithville for North Lake Church.  We talked about faith, coming out of Sunday when Jamie introduced the subject, and about where we are in our personal walk of faith.  

Going around the group it varied from highs to lows, most of which was situational, but by the time it got to me I couldn't even come up with a good lie, which I wanted to desperately.  Instead, I sat there and cried.  

I told the group that a couple of months ago I had started studying James and I never got past verse 2-4 in chapter 1.  "Consider it all joy..." just ate at me.  In the last year and a half I have been at my absolute lowest and then found myself a little lower than the day before, and then lower and lower....you catch my drift?  I haven't felt real joy about much of anything in a very, very long time.  

I laid all this out before my friends, my church, the people I lean on, and they all sat there and let me cry.  My husband, my very sweet husband, reached over and held my hand while I cried and explained everything and how I had been feeling - hopeless and lost.  At the end of the discussion, after the last person had talked about their faith walk, and Jamie had started the discussion for this evening, Jamie asked them all to come and pray for me.  

I sat there in my camp chair, sobbing, while these people, who love my husband and I so very much, laid hands on me and prayed.  Prayed for my health, my level of joy, my feeling of hope, for strength, for the loneliness to leave, and just asked God to bless me.  

I still hurt, I'm still injured, but prayer has its power and I can feel hope.  Before I had dug down in the depression and pain so far that I had actually buried myself in it.  I've not been fully excavated but I can see light peeking through all the muck.  

Thank you, God, for putting James and I in the place and situation that we're in so that I could see Your mercies through these people.  I still have my Reason to Smile.

Deo Volente

At a dead stop.

So, in case you haven't noticed, I haven't blogged about running...well, that's because there hasn't been much running going on for me.  You see, I no longer have my physical therapy covered by my insurance, and it's really ridiculously expensive to keep going anyway.  I'm not supposed to run while in pain, and right now, I'm constantly in pain.  I've hit a roadblock at this point, but I'm still doing the diet.  I've lost 3 lbs in the past couple weeks, which is not great, but it's good for not having worked out at all.  

I must say, it's depressing to find a way to have a release, to let your mind settle into place while running, and then have it ripped away.  It's been a hard month or so for me, and I feel like I just complain all the time.  I was studying James for a couple of weeks and then had to put it down because it's just too much to take.  It says, "Consider it all joy" when we face different troubles and trials because it produces "steadfastness" or "perseverance."  Then, when we have the steadfastness and perseverance we are going to move on to maturity and perfection.....well, I can't seem to get the steadfastness down pat.  I am constantly struggling with why I am still dealing with my back.  Why God has put this in my way, and basically "why me God, why me?"  

My doctor says that I shouldn't try to start a family any time soon because the pain medication I'm on will be bad for a baby, and I probably shouldn't anyway because my back will be in a lot of pain when the baby changes my body's shape.  That, all by itself, is really depressing.... 

I haven't figured out yet what I'm supposed to learn, I'm not even sure if I'm supposed to, but my constant prayer is to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be learning and growing into, so that I can move past it. It's taken my joy and I'm really struggling....maybe one day I'll know.  

Summer time....

Well, it is summer time and I am itching to experiment and share!!  I know I haven't written in quite some time, but it's been valentines day and mothers day at the flower shop and, trust me, unless you've worked in a flower shop you'll never understand.  It's been crazy!!  Now it is summer time.  It's time to take a break, go on vacation, spend some quality time with my husband and puppy, and EXPERIMENT!!

I really love experimentation.  I worked with an AmeriCorps program back home for a year and we were strictly science based.  We got to experiment all the time and I loved it.

I have discovered that I most enjoy experimenting with baking and cooking and because of this I'm going to try out a recipe that I've spent the morning trying to figure out.  James and I went to cheesecake factory last weekend and had, what he calls, the obvious choice from now on.  It is a pineapple upside down cheesecake!!!  I know, you're drooling on your keyboard....I am too just thinking about it.

My plan is to make a cheesecake that is marbled with crushed maraschino cherries and sandwiched between two thin layers of pineapple upside down cake...the result will be heavenly, I just know it.

Well, I'll let you know how it goes and if it turns out.

Love to you all!!

Steadily seeing results

James and I are on week two of the C25K program and it is kicking my butt!!!  But, I am really enjoying it!!  I'm exhausted - I'm sore - and most days I just don't want to do it, but I have a great supportive husband that keeps me going.

Yesterday was an especially hard day.  I hurt everyday, still, since the car accident, but life must go on, right?  Yesterday was a terrible one though.  Not only was I hurting but I had a massive headache.  We had to go see the lawyer and then got home late, ate dinner and were about to get around to do our off day workout when my very sweet husband looked across the table at me and said, "Why don't you go run yourself a bath."  Me - "But what about our workout?" Him - "Go run yourself a bath and add all the salts and bubbles and such and just soak.  You'll feel better."  I thought I'd regret not working out, but when I sunk down in my tub all that just soaked away........

As sweet as James is, he doesn't let me cop out.  I didn't want to go running today either, but we went anyway.  And he is running on the treadmill beside me cheering me on the whole way with high fives and "Ok, last 30 seconds," "One more set," and, "We could take it a little faster." :)

Well, now that I've bragged about him and his awesomeness, let's talk the last couple of days.  

This whole "Diet/Eating right" business is actually GETTING EASIER.  It's moved from an effort into habit - GOOD HABITS!!  Now, I get up and make my lunch in the morning (Salad), I don't even consider ordering out at lunch unless it's an unsweet tea or a coffee, and I have been eating breakfast, which for me is really hard.  I don't know about you, but eating breakfast has always been something I struggled with because I could get really nauseated after eating in the morning.  I have motored through it though and I don't get nauseated anymore and I can tell that it helps me to be less hungry come lunch time.  Salads and a piece of fruit are more satisfying at lunch when you don't feel like you could eat everything in sight.

I have also started some daily goals.  My most common recent ones are to have a salad every day.  Even if it's just a small side dish with a full meal.  I look back on meals and realize I could go a week or so without an actual serving of fruits or vegetables in one meal.  Pitiful!!  I've also been drinking lots and LOTS of water, as planned.  Finally, I have been slowly drinking less coffee and more green tea.  I really just want the hot liquid anyway and there are zero calories in my tea!!  I steep it by the cup, add a tea bag, a dash of lemon, and a packet of Truvia (or a half packet if I feel like it) and sip away.   

I've seen a lot of really great results from these daily goals.  My skin is clearer.  I thought I'd never get rid of acne, but I only have the occasional pimple now! I can tell that I look healthier.  I feel better, and I don't crave things the way I used to.

Running and going to workout has been easier as well.  It's more of a habit then a tentative plan.  James and I even got our workout in today when normally we wouldn't have considered it a day with enough time.  I sweated more today than I have during any of our running sessions and it felt good!!  I forget about the pain and exhaustion after I've had a shower and I've recovered. Then I can just look at it as a really great workout.  

There's been progress, and it's not all measured in weight or inches.  I feel better, I can see a difference in myself, and I am loving it.  

Rewiring My Food Brain

This weight loss program is a whole new ball game for me.  In high school I worked out because I played sports all the time and had someone to kick my butt, blow a whistle, and tell me to take another lap.  Now, I am having to do all this to myself, and I'm not quite the drill sergeant that my former coaches were.  Through this program I have realized that I have a very, very, VERY addictive personality.  I like things the way I like them because...well, I just do.  

This week I am working on rewiring my brain a bit.  Until now I have always wanted the most.  Oh, geez, how this has piled the weight on me.  I can look back on meals that I have eaten and remember the little voice in my head. It goes as follows:

*We ordered pizza and it just arrived.  It's still piping hot!!  Covered in all the most amazing toppings and cheese!!  I take it to the kitchen and grab the biggest plate I can find because I'm really convinced that I'm so hungry that I could eat a piled plate the size of Texas.  I open the box and size up all the slices.  Do I go for the smallest piece?!?!  HECK NO!!!  I want the largest one with the most toppings.  I want the best!! Once that one's on my plate I realize it looks lonely on that big plate....all alone, getting cold....poor thing!!  It needs a buddy!!!  So, I look for the second largest slice and lay it right down next to the other.*

I mean, come on people, you know you've done this before.  We can't stand to see things that are not full!!  We want the excess, we even believe that we need it, or that it's wrong for something to only be half full...or empty, depending on your state of mind.  

I feel a little crazy or OCD sometimes because it actually bothers me when something isn't as full as it's supposed to be.  It looks like the job is only half done!!  For instance, when I go running and I come back and I'm jonesing for some sort fo food, I now reach for an apple, the healthier choice. (Who am I kidding, I never went running before!! :)  )  But I can't just cut my apple into four pieces because it doesn't fill up my plate and I'm still hungry afterward.  Instead I'll cut it up into little slices so that my plate looks fuller and this makes me more satisfied after I'm done.  I mean, is that crazy?!?  Maybe it's a good tactic, because it gets me to where I want to be, but I also want to get out of the mind set of needing everything to be full all the time.  

This week I have been trying to make myself stop all the craziness.  When I fill up my coffee cup in the morning, I measure out my creamer and I don't have to fill my cup up to the brim.  If I get a bowl of cereal, I don't have to fill the bowl with cereal, and then fill the spaces with milk.  I was handling the situation with getting smaller bowls and plates and going ahead and filling those up, but then I feel like I'm just feeding my own addictive habit. 

Basically, I want to be addicted to new things.  

I want to be addicted to the gym, sports bras, running shoes.  I want to be addicted to sweat and how I feel after a long workout.  I want to be addicted to seeing the numbers drop on my scale, and I want to be addicted to where I want to be and then staying there.   If I really want "the best" then I want to be addicted to wanting the best me that I can have, and less crap I don't need!!

I saw a quote the other day on pinterest.com and I loved it!!  I have been telling myself this every day.  When I have a craving I remind myself that, "Your body is not a waste basket....don't treat it like one."  This really hit home with me.  Our bodies are a temple (1 Cor. 6:19 - Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?).  We should not put trash into our bodies that we know darn well harm us or make us less than what we can be.  I have been looking through the old testament and looking at the care and rules that the priests had to follow to keep the temple up to standard. We should treat our bodies the same way.  Clean it up, get it in shape, and treat it with the respect that we should.  We only get one body, why treat it like a dump?!?

Last thing:  James and I just finished the last work out of the first week in C25K and we both did really well!!  We are not going to skip a day tomorrow like we're supposed to because we skipped three this week (meh) to finish up today.  Tomorrow we start the run 2 min walk 2 min workout.  Wish us luck!!!

Tipping the scales at....

....208 lbs!!  Whoa...The day I got on the scale and saw how out of control my weight had gotten I cried.  It was heart breaking to know that I had gotten so lazy.  However, I didn't decide that day to hit the gym and lose the weight.  That day I felt very sorry for myself and I was upset, but a week or so later my husband (such a great man) came up with this plan to run a thing called the Warrior Dash in Platte City, MO, a little town outside of KC, MO.  It is a 5K run in which you climb over walls, cross a moat, jump over a fire pit, and crawl through a mud pit that has barbed wire and ropes over the top, etc. He told me that he wanted to do this run and I said that it sounded like fun, until he informed me that someone died last year during the run. I was quaking and a shaking inside...."please don't ask me to do this with you" was feverishly repeating in my head.  He kept raving about it and how much fun it would be and I realized what was going on.  He really did want me to do it with him, but he didn't want to push me into it.  I sheepishly asked him if he wanted me to join him and he looked me in the eye and said, "I would love it if you would do this with me, you don't have to, but I would love it if you would."  Well, when such a handsome man says something like that to you, you get convinced pretty fast.  Besides, I was extremely flattered that he wanted to do this WITH ME!!

At this point, we are signed up for the 11:00 am run and are training for it. I believe the program we are using is the Couch to 5k and this week we have been running 1 min and walking 2 min 6 times. It's not been too bad!!  The first day of running I was on my last set and felt like I was going to pass out, but the second day of running wasn't nearly as hard.  We finish up with a good hard ab workout and on days that we don't run he lifts, and I do cardio.  The best part is that we are doing it together.

 I have also been on a new eating plan (I don't like to say diet because those have always been so temporary for me).  So far I have lost 14 lbs, but then the Thanksgiving holiday hit and Bob came to visit (for those ladies and gents that don't know, bob is the monthly cycle :) ) so I hadn't been back on the scale to see how much I knew I had gained back.  But getting on this morning I am exactly where I was.

My food plan is as follows:

#1 -  I don't usually eat breakfast, but it's in the plan to slowly start eating more for breakfast and less throughout the day.  There are many dietitians that suggest that eating breakfast is actually one of the best ways to lose weight.  When your body goes for hours over night having not eaten it thinks it is in starvation mode and starts holding to any and all calories that it can get a hold of.  Therefore, if you feed your body well in the morning and let it know that it's gonna get food today it will process those calories and the coming ones with more efficiency.  Don't go crazy with this and assume that it means that you can eat whatever you want for breakfast.  This research clearly shows that eating a balanced meal in the morning can help you lose weight, but don't abuse it!!

#2 -  Drinking plenty of water is very, very, VERY important to shedding pounds.  James, my husband, bought me an early Christmas present that I LOVE so very much!!  He bought us Camelbacks so that when we go to the gym we both have plenty of water and we can stay hydrated during the day.  So far it's been great!!  I love Camelbacks because they don't spill, there's no lid to unscrew while you're running on the treadmill and there's no tipping the bottle, thus no spills down the front of you.
Staying hydrated is important for weight loss because as you do your cardio exercises you are losing water and turning food into energy and waste and the water is what helps move the waste out and replace the hydration you are losing.  Water can also help with other weight problems such as over eating and hunger.  Drinking water throughout the day will keep something in your stomach instead of it being empty then full, empty then full.  Drinking a glass of water before a meal will help you not over eat because your stomach has contents (water) then you don't need as much food to fill it up!

#3 -  If you were to ask my husband, "To Dani, what makes any food taste better?" He'd tell you that I love the taste of pretty food.  I like color in my food - red, yellow, green, and I'm always thrilled with the occasional purple!!!  I love color in my food and the more color in your daily diet, the more nutrition you are getting.  Plus, if you take the time to plate your food nicely you will enjoy eating it more and won't scarf it down.

#4 -  Avoiding eating out is something that James and I have been doing for a while, but for our budget, not our waist line.  I am one of the lucky ones who actually really enjoys cooking.  I love looking for new recipes to try, adding a twist to make it mine, and plating it beautifully.  There's a real feeling of pride to work hard on a meal, present it with flair and hear the "mmmmmmmmm"'s that follow.  Eating in can also be good for your health and body.  Most restaurants, even the fancier ones, use foods that are stuffed with preservatives, were frozen, and are not fresh.  When you cook at home you know that you and your family are getting the freshest ingredients that you could find.   You can replace things in the recipes that you don't like with food that you do, make a recipe healthier, or just tastier and more appealing.

#5 -  I have a salad every day.  Vegetables and fruit are important for a healthy body, so I try to make sure that I have a salad for lunch or a salad with dinner and a piece of fruit every day.  This may sound extremely boring, but I make it fun and tasty.  My coworkers tell me every day how my salads always look good.  I make them pretty because then I want to eat them!!  I always use really green lettuce (no ice burg in sight), nice red tomatoes, bell peppers, cucumbers, carrots, olives, and cheese.  Don't freak out about the cheese or the dressing.  Yes, there's fat in it, and yes there's more calories, but pay attention to your serving.  I don't burry my salad in cheese and I don't drown it in dressing.  I get a sprinkling of cheese 1-2 tablespoons of dressing for my salads and that is just fine.  That may not seem like enough dressing, but a good way to stretch the dressing is to put the dressing in a separate bowl, container, whatever.  Dip your fork in dressing, then get a bite of salad.  You get dressing with every bite, and I usually don't even eat all my dressing this way.


I am planning on blogging about my weight loss,  I won't promise every day, but maybe once a week?  It's hard to post where I am now and I hate to post how much I weigh, but I'm going to own it, because when I get to where I want to be, I'll be proud to share my progress.

Here is where I am now.

Height: 5'6"
Original Weight: 208
Current Weight: 197 lbs
First goal: 175 lbs

Total weight lost so far: 13 lbs
To go: 22 lbs


I'm gonna get there....