So, in case you haven't noticed, I haven't blogged about running...well, that's because there hasn't been much running going on for me. You see, I no longer have my physical therapy covered by my insurance, and it's really ridiculously expensive to keep going anyway. I'm not supposed to run while in pain, and right now, I'm constantly in pain. I've hit a roadblock at this point, but I'm still doing the diet. I've lost 3 lbs in the past couple weeks, which is not great, but it's good for not having worked out at all.
I must say, it's depressing to find a way to have a release, to let your mind settle into place while running, and then have it ripped away. It's been a hard month or so for me, and I feel like I just complain all the time. I was studying James for a couple of weeks and then had to put it down because it's just too much to take. It says, "Consider it all joy" when we face different troubles and trials because it produces "steadfastness" or "perseverance." Then, when we have the steadfastness and perseverance we are going to move on to maturity and perfection.....well, I can't seem to get the steadfastness down pat. I am constantly struggling with why I am still dealing with my back. Why God has put this in my way, and basically "why me God, why me?"
My doctor says that I shouldn't try to start a family any time soon because the pain medication I'm on will be bad for a baby, and I probably shouldn't anyway because my back will be in a lot of pain when the baby changes my body's shape. That, all by itself, is really depressing....
I haven't figured out yet what I'm supposed to learn, I'm not even sure if I'm supposed to, but my constant prayer is to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be learning and growing into, so that I can move past it. It's taken my joy and I'm really struggling....maybe one day I'll know.
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