I have been a worship leader at my church now for almost two years. Through my many days and nights of trying to find the songs that best fit the service I find myself being drawn to certain songs because of their words, feeling, or even just the ideas that it presents to my heart.
Recently we've sang the song "God of This City" in worship a lot. I have said that I feel that that song is the anthem for North Lake Church, what we're about, and what we believe. We believe that "You're the God of this city, You're the King of these people, You're the Lord of this Nation. You are." What greater phrase describes exactly what God is to us?
While being on this journey of finding myself and where I stand as a worship leader I find that there are many days where I go to worship service and I am just not feeling it. I don't feel like singing, I don't feel like praising, I just don't think I can make it through a song set. You see, leading worship for me is exhausting. NOT IN A BAD WAY!!
I'll explain. I put my whole self into worship. I feel that when leading worship that my job is to lead others to the throne of God and show them His face through songs and let them just bask in all that glory. But I put my whole self into it. It's like when Moses wanted to see God, God wouldn't even allow him to see His face because he would have been struck dead. He was only allowed to see His back as He walked away and even then when Moses went down to the Israelites his face was shining so bright from being in God's presence that Moses had to cover his face!! It's that sort of absolute exhaustion that I feel, and I love every moment.
The Flyleaf song "All Around Me" is my anthem most of the time during worship. I get it. In those moments of worship "I'm alive....So I cry, the light is white." I encourage you to click the link and listen to the words and the song. It's beautiful.
Other times, and more often lately, my anthem is Sanctus Real's "I'm Not Alright." I think that in always having enough I have taken for granted that I have been taken care of. In being brought up in church I have felt the need to constantly say, "God will provide. I have faith." But I haven't ever had to put the belief behind it. It's dogma, it's repetitive speech. As a worship leader I have felt the pressure to always answer the question, "How are you doing?" with "I'm alright." I should be alright. I want to be alright. The first line of that song says, "If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of, then cool is just how far we have to fall. I AM NOT IMMUNE. I only want to be loved. But I feel safe behind the firewall." For the first time last night and tonight I have not been able to lie. My husband says it's a good thing, but it is so awful to admit to myself that I've been lying.
Here's the truth. I'm not alright.....I'm broken inside and out. Being able to say that in a group of people who I know love me deeply and not have those feelings changed is a HUGE relief. The next lines of the song say, "Can I lose my need to impress? If you want the truth, I need to confess, I'm not alright." I am truly not alright at this time. I don't love God any less, I trust Him and I know that he will either heal me or be my strength to bear whatever my life hands me, I just haven't found that strength yet. And you know? It's alright to be broken. It's alright to be honest and say you're not doing okay, you're hurt, you're angry, sad, depressed, addicted, in a dark place that no one would want to be....It's okay.
We are not expected to be alright. If we were expected to be alright then there would have been no reason for Jesus. If there was a way for me to be good enough, then I wouldn't NEED Him. If there was a way...I'd have found it by now.
In the song "I'm not alright" it starts out as a bursting scream of no longer being able to hold in the grueling, terrible truth. But by the end it is a soft belief and relief that, "I'm not alright. That's why I need You....That's why I need You."
