Whether it's cigarettes, alcohol, drugs (prescription or otherwise), sugar, or soda....detoxing is NO FUN.
About a year and a half ago I decided I was done. I was done with all the pain relievers, muscle relaxers, and all the side effects that come with them. I was taking a nerve medication called Neuratonin that was supposed to help with the constant pain in my neck. The drug was so potent that I had to start taking 1/9th of a daily dosage to start and then stepping my way up. I did 100 mg three times a day and slowly increased up to 300 mg 3 times a day. This was the very worst and darkest time during my recovery. The drug would cause me to lose control of my hands and I would drop things. I dropped a pan of cookies, numerous cups of coffee, random things throughout the day, but the most memorable was my iphone into a cup of coffee....embarrassing and frustrating.
Other side effects included feeling like my skin had been peeled back and all my nerves were exposed at random points throughout the day. I'd hurt if anyone touched me, talked to me, really any kind of stimulation was painful. I don't know if the suicidal thoughts were a side effect of the drug or a side effect of how the drug made me feel and the idea of escaping it all. It was really weird. Light touches, like a comforting hand on your back or shoulder were excruciating, but a deep and what should be painful pressure actually brought relief. I turned to cutting. When my husband noticed my wrists that I was so careful to hide, he was angry and disappointed, understandably, that I didn't come to him for help. But mostly he was concerned and scared. I confessed everything, the cutting, the thoughts of suicide. Getting up in the middle of the night and crying on the bathroom floor as I hurt and just didn't want to hurt anymore. He was great. Held me, told me I wasn't alone and we'd get through it together.
We scheduled an appointment with the pain management Dr. who had put me on the medication. It was a horrible visit. I had come to hate the place, not because it reminded me of the pain, but because when I first went there it held the promise of help and relief.....but now I was worse off than when I started. As I sat on the exam table waiting on the nurse practitioner to come in and see me I got more and more angry and upset, but was trying to control myself. You see, that night that James and I decided I'd come off the medication I stayed up and researched how to come off of it. I had resolved to quit cold turkey, but figured that if I had to step up like I did, then it only made sense that I'd have to step down. As I researched I got more and more scared. I know they say never to Google things that might be wrong with you, but I'm so glad I did. What I found said that quitting cold turkey could cause a wide range of things including heart attacks in patients that had no previous heart problems, seizures, and permanent nerve damage. I was terrified. I was angry. Why would a Doctor put me on something and not explain ANY of those things to me?
The nurse came into the room to get my vitals. Unlucky for me, I got the notoriously grumpy nurse. That was kind of the final straw for me. As she checked my blood pressure she looked worried. She looked between my husband and I and asked if I was okay because my blood pressure was so high. She asked if everything was alright while looking accusingly at my husband. I broke. The flood gates opened and I just sat on the table shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. I told her I needed to see the Dr. I was done, I wanted off the medication. She got all nervous and backed out of the room saying the nurse practitioner would be in to see me soon. James held me and I calmed down enough that when the she did come in I could speak for myself. She seemed annoyed with me, like I was being over dramatic. She told me that if I wanted off that bad I could just quit taking it. She said she had never seen anyone who had a reaction like mine and she didn't really think it was the medicine. She said she thought it was stress and that I needed to destress my life.....I could have strangled her. It was my fault. All my fault. That's what she was saying She was taking no responsibility for any of it. I told her what I found online. She practically rolled her eyes at me and told me if I wanted to I could step down the same way I stepped up on the meds. We left the office and went straight home.
I don't remember most of the rest of the day, but I do remember laying on the couch with a mixture of emotions. I was relieved that it would be over. I'd stop feeling this way...but also bracing myself because I knew this wouldn't be easy.
I started stepping down that day. If the side effects from being on the pills was horrendous, the detox was absolute hell. I actually hit points when I thought I'd break. I could feel my mind and my body rejecting life. It hurt to sit, stand, move, lie still. Everything was painful.
The time that was hardest on me were nights and when I would lead worship at church. Everything during the detox was heightened and, I don't know what it is, but leading worship can be exhausting mentally ad physically. It's wonderful. Opening your heart, pressing in close to Him, and feeling God kind of shine on you and everyone around you is amazing. It's personal....but it was also very painful. I don't understand the science of it, but being that open emotionally and mentally was, sometimes, more than I could handle. I would finish the last song, ask someone else to pray as the pastor came forward, and when everyone had closed their eyes for the prayer I would slide off my stool and work my way gingerly to my husband's side, collapsing against him. I'd have shivers, my skin felt scraped raw, and I had a hard time concentrating. He was always good to help me hide it. I hate to have an issue and be the center of attention because of it. I like to be independent and take care of myself. I don't like to be asked if I'm okay, because I hate lying and saying, "Yes," to keep others from getting uncomfortable and looking guilty because I say, "No," and breaking down in sobs.
Working through all the pain was a blessing in a single way. I learned what it was to hurt. I see people sing and you can just tell that when they sing about "Our Healer" or "trials" that God helps them to overcome...they've never felt a real pain in their lives. We live in America. There are a lot of people who grew up just like I did. I was good in school, decent at most sports, not bullied overly, and I was fairly healthy. I had a good church, a good set of friends, and a good family. I had my own issues, but nothing extreme. When I began leading worship the year before my accident I didn't know what it was like to hurt. I didn't know what it was like to connect with people that way. I was leading worship because I liked to sing. It's something I had done my entire life. I sang in church. Even to this day when I go visit my family I am asked to sing in church. But with this new pain I could sing the words that.before, meant almost nothing to me...with an intent.
You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
I trust in You, I trust in You
I believe You're my Healer
I believer You are all I need
I believe You portion
I believe You're more than enough for me
Jesus You're all I need.
That meant something to me now. And now that it meant something to me, I could lead others in worship more effectively. I had experience in what it meant to need God. I had experience in what it meant to need to be healed...to need more, not be able to find it anywhere, and then find it in God. I was broken and needed my maker to fix me.
The down side to being so open to God, also meant I was open to other things. The urges to hurt myself to find some sort of relief were even more pressing while I detoxed. I turned to cutting again numerous times and finally my husband and I sought out our pastor for counseling. He suggested I see some professional help, but to me that was admitting defeat. It probably would have been a good idea, but I didn't see a counselor. I was determined to do this on my own....it made it lonely, and I can't say that it was the best decision, because it probably wasn't.
I'm a year or so from having taken my last pill. That includes all of the medications I was on. I was on multiple pain killers, multiple muscle relaxers, and the nerve meds all at the same time at one point. I tried injections for pain but I'm allergic to the lidocaine they use to numb you and the steroid they inject into you gave me such a bad reaction that I ended up in the ER. It's been a long road, and I still hurt every single day. Some days are worse than others, like when the weather changes, or I forget to get out of bed the "right way." On occasion I get the feeling that I'm detoxing again and for a few minutes I'll feel my mind splitting and my nerves feel exposed and I hurt. But mostly it goes away. I still drop things and randomly lose control of my hands, and I don't know if that will ever fully go away, but I'm dealing with it and it IS getting better.
I no longer feel the need to cut. I no longer feel the push towards suicide. I look back on that time and I don't know who that person is... I still hurt every day....I still don't know what God hast in store for all of this, but I'm working on my patience. I'm working on relying on other people and not just myself. I'm learning to give honest answers when people ask me if I'm okay. Though not to everyone. I have a specific few that if they ask me I can be honest, because I know they are really asking about me and not letting useless pleasantries fall out of their mouth.
I'm working out because it makes me feel better. I'm watching what I eat because I know less weight means less stress on my back. And mostly because I want kids and I'm terrified of the pain that is going to come with pregnancy. Not the normal pains, the labor and such, but the pain in my back. As I said, I hurt every day. The unknown of the additional pull and strain on my back scares me a lot. So, James and I have both decided to get into the best physical condition we can be in before that time comes so that I will have the best chance at a normal pregnancy. This blog is going to be the journey towards that.
It all started with that red dodge in my rearview mirror....I'm not quite sure where it will end up, but I guess we'll see...
-Dani
DV
-Dani
DV
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