My Momentary Anthem

I have been a worship leader at my church now for almost two years.  Through my many days and nights of trying to find the songs that best fit the service I find myself being drawn to certain songs because of their words, feeling, or even just the ideas that it presents to my heart. 

Recently we've sang the song "God of This City" in worship a lot.  I have said that I feel that that song is the anthem for North Lake Church, what we're about, and what we believe.  We believe that "You're the God of this city, You're the King of these people, You're the Lord of this Nation.  You are."  What greater phrase describes exactly what God is to us?  

While being on this journey of finding myself and where I stand as a worship leader I find that there are many days where I go to worship service and I am just not feeling it.  I don't feel like singing, I don't feel like praising, I just don't think I can make it through a song set.  You see, leading worship for me is exhausting.  NOT IN A BAD WAY!!  

I'll explain.  I put my whole self into worship.  I feel that when leading worship that my job is to lead others to the throne of God and show them His face through songs and let them just bask in all that glory.  But I put my whole self into it.  It's like when Moses wanted to see God, God wouldn't even allow him to see His face because he would have been struck dead.  He was only allowed to see His back as He walked away and even then when Moses went down to the Israelites his face was shining so bright from being in God's presence that Moses had to cover his face!!  It's that sort of absolute exhaustion that I feel, and I love every moment.

The Flyleaf song "All Around Me" is my anthem most of the time during worship.  I get it.  In those moments of worship "I'm alive....So I cry, the light is white." I encourage you to click the link and listen to the words and the song. It's beautiful.  

Other times, and more often lately, my anthem is Sanctus Real's "I'm Not Alright."  I think that in always having enough I have taken for granted that I have been taken care of.  In being brought up in church I have felt the need to constantly say, "God will provide. I have faith." But I haven't ever had to put the belief behind it.  It's dogma, it's repetitive speech.  As a worship leader I have felt the pressure to always answer the question, "How are you doing?" with "I'm alright."  I should be alright.  I want to be alright.  The first line of that song says, "If weakness is a wound that no one wants to speak of, then cool is just how far we have to fall.  I AM NOT IMMUNE.  I only want to be loved.  But I feel safe behind the firewall."  For the first time last night and tonight I have not been able to lie.  My husband says it's a good thing, but it is so awful to admit to myself that I've been lying.  

Here's the truth.  I'm not alright.....I'm broken inside and out.  Being able to say that in a group of people who I know love me deeply and not have those feelings changed is a HUGE relief.  The next lines of the song say, "Can I lose my need to impress? If you want the truth, I need to confess, I'm not alright."  I am truly not alright at this time.  I don't love God any less, I trust Him and I know that he will either heal me or be my strength to bear whatever my life hands me, I just haven't found that strength yet.  And you know?  It's alright to be broken.  It's alright to be honest and say you're not doing okay, you're hurt, you're angry, sad, depressed, addicted, in a dark place that no one would want to be....It's okay.

We are not expected to be alright.  If we were expected to be alright then there would have been no reason for Jesus.  If there was a way for me to be good enough, then I wouldn't NEED Him.  If there was a way...I'd have found it by now.  

In the song "I'm not alright" it starts out as a bursting scream of no longer being able to hold in the grueling, terrible truth.  But by the end it is a soft belief and relief that, "I'm not alright. That's why I need You....That's why I need You."

Bathed in Prayer

Last night was the first night of our annual cookout in Smithville for North Lake Church.  We talked about faith, coming out of Sunday when Jamie introduced the subject, and about where we are in our personal walk of faith.  

Going around the group it varied from highs to lows, most of which was situational, but by the time it got to me I couldn't even come up with a good lie, which I wanted to desperately.  Instead, I sat there and cried.  

I told the group that a couple of months ago I had started studying James and I never got past verse 2-4 in chapter 1.  "Consider it all joy..." just ate at me.  In the last year and a half I have been at my absolute lowest and then found myself a little lower than the day before, and then lower and lower....you catch my drift?  I haven't felt real joy about much of anything in a very, very long time.  

I laid all this out before my friends, my church, the people I lean on, and they all sat there and let me cry.  My husband, my very sweet husband, reached over and held my hand while I cried and explained everything and how I had been feeling - hopeless and lost.  At the end of the discussion, after the last person had talked about their faith walk, and Jamie had started the discussion for this evening, Jamie asked them all to come and pray for me.  

I sat there in my camp chair, sobbing, while these people, who love my husband and I so very much, laid hands on me and prayed.  Prayed for my health, my level of joy, my feeling of hope, for strength, for the loneliness to leave, and just asked God to bless me.  

I still hurt, I'm still injured, but prayer has its power and I can feel hope.  Before I had dug down in the depression and pain so far that I had actually buried myself in it.  I've not been fully excavated but I can see light peeking through all the muck.  

Thank you, God, for putting James and I in the place and situation that we're in so that I could see Your mercies through these people.  I still have my Reason to Smile.

Deo Volente

At a dead stop.

So, in case you haven't noticed, I haven't blogged about running...well, that's because there hasn't been much running going on for me.  You see, I no longer have my physical therapy covered by my insurance, and it's really ridiculously expensive to keep going anyway.  I'm not supposed to run while in pain, and right now, I'm constantly in pain.  I've hit a roadblock at this point, but I'm still doing the diet.  I've lost 3 lbs in the past couple weeks, which is not great, but it's good for not having worked out at all.  

I must say, it's depressing to find a way to have a release, to let your mind settle into place while running, and then have it ripped away.  It's been a hard month or so for me, and I feel like I just complain all the time.  I was studying James for a couple of weeks and then had to put it down because it's just too much to take.  It says, "Consider it all joy" when we face different troubles and trials because it produces "steadfastness" or "perseverance."  Then, when we have the steadfastness and perseverance we are going to move on to maturity and perfection.....well, I can't seem to get the steadfastness down pat.  I am constantly struggling with why I am still dealing with my back.  Why God has put this in my way, and basically "why me God, why me?"  

My doctor says that I shouldn't try to start a family any time soon because the pain medication I'm on will be bad for a baby, and I probably shouldn't anyway because my back will be in a lot of pain when the baby changes my body's shape.  That, all by itself, is really depressing.... 

I haven't figured out yet what I'm supposed to learn, I'm not even sure if I'm supposed to, but my constant prayer is to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be learning and growing into, so that I can move past it. It's taken my joy and I'm really struggling....maybe one day I'll know.