Detoxing

**After looking back at my previous blogs in relation to this one I just want to say that I've never told most of this story...but tonight just seemed like the time, so sorry for the blast from the oh so painful past.


Whether it's cigarettes, alcohol, drugs (prescription or otherwise), sugar, or soda....detoxing is NO FUN.

About a year and a half ago I decided I was done.  I was done with all the pain relievers, muscle relaxers, and all the side effects that come with them.  I was taking a nerve medication called Neuratonin that was supposed to help with the constant pain in my neck.  The drug was so potent that I had to start taking 1/9th of a daily dosage to start and then stepping my way up.  I did 100 mg three times a day and slowly increased up to 300 mg 3 times a day.  This was the very worst and darkest time during my recovery.  The drug would cause me to lose control of my hands and I would drop things.  I dropped a pan of cookies, numerous cups of coffee, random things throughout the day, but the most memorable was my iphone into a cup of coffee....embarrassing and frustrating.

Other side effects included feeling like my skin had been peeled back and all my nerves were exposed at random points throughout the day.  I'd hurt if anyone touched me, talked to me, really any kind of stimulation was painful.  I don't know if the suicidal thoughts were a side effect of the drug or a side effect of how the drug made me feel and the idea of escaping it all.  It was really weird.  Light touches, like a comforting hand on your back or shoulder were excruciating, but a deep and what should be painful pressure actually brought relief.  I turned to cutting.  When my husband noticed my wrists that I was so careful to hide, he was angry and disappointed, understandably, that I didn't come to him for help. But mostly he was concerned and scared.  I confessed everything, the cutting, the thoughts of suicide.  Getting up in the middle of the night and crying on the bathroom floor as I hurt and just didn't want to hurt anymore.  He was great.  Held me, told me I wasn't alone and we'd get through it together.  

We scheduled an appointment with the pain management Dr. who had put me on the medication.  It was a horrible visit.  I had come to hate the place, not because it reminded me of the pain, but because when I first went there it held the promise of help and relief.....but now I was worse off than when I started.  As I sat on the exam table waiting on the nurse practitioner to come in and see me I got more and more angry and upset, but was trying to control myself.  You see, that night that James and I decided I'd come off the medication I stayed up and researched how to come off of it.  I had resolved to quit cold turkey, but figured that if I had to step up like I did, then it only made sense that I'd have to step down.  As I researched I got more and more scared.   I know they say never to Google things that might be wrong with you, but I'm so glad I did.  What I found said that quitting cold turkey could cause a wide range of things including heart attacks in patients that had no previous heart problems, seizures, and permanent nerve damage.  I was terrified.  I was angry.  Why would a Doctor put me on something and not explain ANY of those things to me?  

The nurse came into the room to get my vitals.  Unlucky for me, I got the notoriously grumpy nurse.  That was kind of the final straw for me. As she checked my blood pressure she looked worried.  She looked between my husband and I and asked if I was okay because my blood pressure was so high.  She asked if everything was alright while looking accusingly at my husband.  I broke.  The flood gates opened and I just sat on the table shaking and sobbing uncontrollably.  I told her I needed to see the Dr.  I was done, I wanted off the medication. She got all nervous and backed out of the room saying the nurse practitioner would be in to see me soon.  James held me and I calmed down enough that when the she did come in I could speak for myself.   She seemed annoyed with me, like I was being over dramatic.  She told me that if I wanted off that bad I could just quit taking it.  She said she had never seen anyone who had a reaction like mine and she didn't really think it was the medicine.  She said she thought it was stress and that I needed to destress my life.....I could have strangled her.  It was my fault.  All my fault.  That's what she was saying  She was taking no responsibility for any of it.  I told her what I found online.  She practically rolled her eyes at me and told me if I wanted to I could step down the same way I stepped up on the meds.  We left the office and went straight home.  

I don't remember most of the rest of the day, but I do remember laying on the couch with a mixture of emotions.  I was relieved that it would be over.  I'd stop feeling this way...but also bracing myself because I knew this wouldn't be easy.  

I started stepping down that day.  If the side effects from being on the pills was horrendous, the detox was absolute hell.  I actually hit points when I thought I'd break.  I could feel my mind and my body rejecting life.  It hurt to sit, stand, move, lie still.  Everything was painful.  

The time that was hardest on me were nights and when I would lead worship at church.  Everything during the detox was heightened and, I don't know what it is, but leading worship can be exhausting mentally ad physically.  It's wonderful. Opening your heart, pressing in close to Him, and feeling God kind of shine on you and everyone around you is amazing.  It's personal....but it was also very painful.  I don't understand the science of it, but being that open emotionally and mentally was, sometimes, more than I could handle.  I would finish the last song, ask someone else to pray as the pastor came forward, and when everyone had closed their eyes for the prayer I would slide off my stool and work my way gingerly to my husband's side, collapsing against him.  I'd have shivers, my skin felt scraped raw, and I had a hard time concentrating.  He was always good to help me hide it.  I hate to have an issue and be the center of attention because of it.  I like to be independent and take care of myself.  I don't like to be asked if I'm okay, because I hate lying and saying, "Yes," to keep others from getting uncomfortable and looking guilty because I say, "No," and breaking down in sobs.  

Working through all the pain was a blessing in a single way.  I learned what it was to hurt.  I see people sing and you can just tell that when they sing about "Our Healer" or "trials" that God helps them to overcome...they've never felt a real pain in their lives.  We live in America.  There are a lot of  people who grew up just like I did.  I was good in school, decent at most sports, not bullied overly, and I was fairly healthy.  I had a good church, a good set of friends, and a good family.  I had my own issues, but nothing extreme.  When I began leading worship the year before my accident I didn't know what it was like to hurt.  I didn't know what it was like to connect with people that way.  I was leading worship because I liked to sing.  It's something I had done my entire life.  I sang in church.  Even to this day when I go visit my family I am asked to sing in church.  But with this new pain I could sing the words that.before,  meant almost nothing to me...with an intent.  

You hold my every moment

You calm my raging seas

You walk with me through fire

And heal all my disease

I trust in You, I trust in You

I believe You're my Healer

I believer You are all I need

I believe You portion 

I believe You're more than enough for me

Jesus You're all I need.

That meant something to me now.  And now that it meant something to me, I could lead others in worship more effectively.  I had experience in what it meant to need God.  I had experience in what it meant to need to be healed...to need more, not be able to find it anywhere, and then find it in God.  I was broken and needed my maker to fix me.

The down side to being so open to God, also meant I was open to other things.  The urges to hurt myself to find some sort of relief were even more pressing while I detoxed.  I turned to cutting again numerous times and finally my husband and I sought out our pastor for counseling.  He suggested I see some professional help, but to me that was admitting defeat.  It probably would have been a good idea, but I didn't see a counselor.  I was determined to do this on my own....it made it lonely, and I can't say that it was the best decision, because it probably wasn't.   

I'm a year or so from having taken my last pill.  That includes all of the medications I was on.  I was on multiple pain killers, multiple muscle relaxers, and the nerve meds all at the same time at one point.  I tried injections for pain but I'm allergic to the lidocaine they use to numb you and the steroid they inject into you gave me such a bad reaction that I ended up in the ER.  It's been a long road, and I still hurt every single day.  Some days are worse than others, like when the weather changes, or I forget to get out of bed the "right way."  On occasion I get the feeling that I'm detoxing again and for a few minutes I'll feel my mind splitting and my nerves feel exposed and I hurt.  But mostly it goes away.  I still drop things and randomly lose control of my hands, and I don't know if that will ever fully go away, but I'm dealing with it and it IS getting better. 

I no longer feel the need to cut.  I no longer feel the push towards suicide.  I look back on that time and I don't know who that person is... I still hurt every day....I still don't know what God hast in store for all of this, but I'm working on my patience.  I'm working on relying on other people and not just myself.  I'm learning to give honest answers when people ask me if I'm okay.  Though not to everyone.  I have a specific few that if they ask me I can be honest, because I know they are really asking about me and not letting useless pleasantries fall out of their mouth.  

I'm working out because it makes me feel better.  I'm watching what I eat because I know less weight means less stress on my back.  And mostly because I want kids and I'm terrified of the pain that is going to come with pregnancy.  Not the normal pains, the labor and such, but the pain in my back.  As I said, I hurt every day.  The  unknown of the additional pull and strain on my back scares me a lot.  So, James and I have both decided to get into the best physical condition we can be in before that time comes so that I will have the best chance at a normal pregnancy.  This blog is going to be the journey towards that.  

It all started with that red dodge in my rearview mirror....I'm not quite sure where it will end up, but I guess we'll see...

-Dani
DV

A Journey Toward Less Pain

At the first of the year James and I decided to start working out more.  Partially because we just NEEDED TO, but mostly because we are wanting to have kids at some point soon.  With the pain I deal with on a daily basis I'm honestly scared to go through a pregnancy.  I have seen perfectly healthy women go through pregnancy and have so much back pain that I feel like one of two things will be true for me.  1.  It'll be no different than the pain I have now.  Or 2.  It'll be unbearable for 9 months.....I don't know that I can handle the second possibility.

So, that being said James and I want to both be in the best physical shape possible before pregnancy so that I'll be strong and able to handle the pregnancy as well as possible.

We joined Planet Fitness, which is saying a lot, because I hate their commercials.  I feel like they're trying to be so accepting that they're shunning a large group of the fitness community...the so called "lunks."   But it's a cheap gym membership so we did it.  As it turns out I love the place! They are a gym with all the frills.  For $20 a month we get to use the gym equipment, enjoy the really nice locker rooms with clean showers and changing rooms.  They have circuit rooms that make it easy to get in a really good 30 min workout while going at your own pace.  Best of all, and my very very favorite thing about our membership is that with the membership we get unlimited tanning, chair massage, and ****hydro massage***.  I've never been a fan of going to the gym.  I've made it fun for myself, I've gone with others, and that helps, but knowing I get a massage at the end of the workout makes me SOOO ready to go to the gym at the end of the day.

Some goals?  Besides weight loss, I want to be stronger, I want to feel better, and try to get away from being in some sort of pain every day.  I want to work on what I call the "Shame factor" that comes with weight loss.  I'll discuss those as time goes a long.  I think I'll also post recipes if I can as I go.  Just healthy things that I find here and there, as well as encouragement and downfalls I run into.
Well....here starts the journey.  Thanks for reading!!  - Dani

Cranberry Orange Pecan Sticky Buns

I haven't blogged in forever, and I've wanted to throughout the entire christmas break but have had only intermittent internet access.

I created these sticky buns on Christmas Eve in 2013 when I made breakfast for Christmas morning.  They're fairly simple.  They are just a sweet dinner roll recipe, rolled out, filled with goodies, rolled up, cut, baked, and slathered with a yummy topping.  Here's what I did.

I used a simple sweet dinner roll recipe from a Betty Crocker Cookbook (bonus edition) that my mom gave me when we first moved to KC. The filling is my own concoction, and the topping I got from Mom.

Ingredient List:

Dinner Roll:
3 1/2 to 3 3/4 cups all-purpose flour or bread flour
1/4 cup sugar
1/4 cup butter (don't cut and use margarine...it's just not as good)
1 teaspoon salt
1 package regular or quick active dry yeast (2 1/4 teaspoons)
1/2 cup very warm water
1/2 cup very warm milk
1 large egg

Sticky Bun Filling:
1 1/2 cup dried cranberries
1 cup chopped pecans
1/2 cup brown sugar
1-2 oranges
1/2 - 1 tsp ground cloves
1/2 - 1 tsp ground all-spice
1/2 tablespoon vanilla
1 tablespoon cornstarch

Cream Cheese Topping:
1 package philadelphia cream cheese
1-1/2 cup powdered sugar (or more for desired thickness)
1/2 cup butter
1-2 Tablespoons Milk
1 Tablespoon Vanilla


Directions:

In a large bowl, stir 2 cups of lour the sugar, 1/4 cup butter, salt and yeast until well mixed.  Add warm water warm milk and egg.  Beat with electric mixer on low speed 1 minute, scraping bowl frequently.  Beat on medium speed 1 minute, scraping bowl frequently.  Stir in enough remaining flour to make the dough easily to handle.

Place dough on a lightly floured surface.  Knead about 5 minutes or until dough is smooth and springy.  Grease a large bowl with shortening.  Place dough in the bowl, turning dough to grease all sides.  Cover bowl loosely with plastic wrap or a damp towel and let rise in a warm place about 1 hour or until dough has doubled in size.  Dough is ready if indentation remains when touched.

While the dough is rising, place dried cranberries in a glass bowl and cover with boiling water.  Let sit until cranberries are soft and plump (approximately 10 minutes). When cranberries have soaked enough water, drain the excess.  Add chopped pecans, vanilla, brown sugar, cloves, and all spice to the cranberries.  Zest 1-2 oranges into the bowl.  Cut the oranges in half and juice the oranges into the bowl, allowing as much pulp as possible to be included in the bowl.  This is is a very orangey recipe! Add a tablespoon of corn starch for thickness. Mix ingredients well and let sit.

When dough is ready remove and split into two equal halves.  Roll halves into rectangles about 1/3-1/4 inch thick.  spread half of the stuffing mixture onto the dough leaving a 1-1/2 inch wide strip on one long side clean.  Roll from the spread side to the clean side pinching the clean strip into the roll to create a seal.  (think making cinnamon rolls)  Take a piece of sewing thread or baking twine and slide under the roll.  Cross the string over the top and pull.  This makes beautiful even cuts.  Feel free to make the rolls as thick or thin as you like.  I do about an inch to 1 1/2 inches thick.  Place the rolls flat into a buttered dish as close together as possible.  This will give you soft buns.  If you want a little stiffer buns then space the.

Allow buns to rise for 30 minutes until doubled in size.  Place in a 375 degree oven for 12-15 minutes or until golden brown.

While the rolls are baking, mix together your softened cream cheese, powdered sugar, vanilla, and melted butter until smooth.  Add milk to gain desired thickness.  Allow the rolls to cool for 5 minutes and apply the cream cheese topping.  Serve warm!!!

Hope you enjoy these.  My family sure did!!

(Later edit:  Can add some rum to the fruit concoction and simmer until alcohol is cooked off.  Makes it extra yummy!!)

Low Cal Chicken Pot Pie

Ingredients:

2.5 Lbs of Boneless skinless chicken
2 medium onions chopped
4 cloves of garlic chopped
4 cups of chopped carrots
3 cups of chopped celery
32 oz bag of frozen peas
¾ cups of all purpose flour
7 cups of milk
Phyllo dough
Olive oil
Salt
Pepper
Sage
Rosemary
Red Pepper Flakes


Assembly:

1. In a skillet add olive oil and chicken.  Season and cook until cooked through.

2. In a soup pan over medium heat, add olive oil, the onions, and garlic.  Sweat off.  Add carrots and celery and cook, stirring occasionally, until carrots are softening.

3. Add flour and seasonings.  Stir constantly, cooking for 1-2 minutes.  Then add the milk gradually, stirring until smooth.  Bring to a simmer and continue stirring until thickened.

4. Remove from heat and add frozen peas.  Stir well and taste for seasoning.  Chop chicken and stir into vegetables and gravy.  Put half into a large casserole dish and half into another (for freezing).
Add 5 sheets of phyllo dough to the top of each pan, brushing with olive oil in between each layer.

5. Cook at 400 degrees F for 20 minutes.  Top should be golden brown and sauce should be bubbling.  Let sit for 10 minutes before serving.  Makes 16 servings total.  8 for each casserole dish.  206 calories per serving.  Freeze one casserole dish for future use!

(Sorry there are no specifics on seasoning.  I usually just season as I go and then taste it all at the end.  Check the seasoning of the filling after stirring in the chicken and peas and add seasoning as needed.)